Lent was not easy. Perhaps you can relate.
I began with a simple plan: Trust Jesus more.
On Ash Wednesday, I spent my last full day in Jerusalem, and I promised to trust Jesus.
Easy enough. Wrong. Then it all came to a head. The trauma of rape – though it all happened 30 years ago. The hurts I had sustained from others. Some I loved. Some I had trusted. Some new wounds. Some old.
Some minor. Some life-changing, personality-altering.
Jesus, I trust in You.
A person who prays as much as I do… shouldn’t feel like life is coming apart at loose ends.
A person who goes to weekly Mass, sometimes daily Mass, always remembers to take her hour of Adoration at midnight on Thursdays…shouldn’t feel like she doesn’t know who she is anymore.
She should have her act together.
She should be able to stand up straight.
Only self-doubt was all around me and in me and above me and beneath me… the opposite of St. Patrick’s Prayer.
Jesus, I trust in You.
And the words and letters seem to slip around on the page and fall off the page or slid down the page or disappear altogether.
J s , I st n .
e s tr i Y
u u ou
Nonsense. It doesn’t make any sense anymore.
What is trust? How do I do it?
And you find that you need your husband more, and your priest-who-is-also-your-spiritual-director, and a counselor, and a friend.
You cling to them, and begin to realize… It’s Jesus in disguise. Yes, Jesus, I do trust in You.
And when Easter comes, you find that you can stand on your wobbly legs though they feel like you just climbed Mt. Arbel all over again.
I can do this.
You are resolved:
- I will not be silent. I will speak out. I will keep speaking out. I will not be embarrassed by what happened to me. Jesus, I trust in You to help me be vocal about it.
- I will affirm life, even the life of the unborn conceived in rape. I will speak out. I will keep speaking out. I will not be embarrassed by what happened to me. Jesus, I trust in You to help me be vocal about it.
- I will continue to heal. I will not be weak. I will not quit. I will do the things that are hard for me. I will not hide. I will not cling to what is easy or familiar. I will not sit more than a few seconds in a place of old memories. I will not let unwanted dreams linger when I wake from them. I will reach for everything that heals. Jesus, I trust in You to finish the healing You have begun.
I will not be silent. I will affirm life. I will continue to heal.
So be it.